Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!

In the grass..

So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!

[all the children]

Grass??

Yessssss.

Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.

Mike is short for Micycle

If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.

I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.

If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.

[friend’s house]

ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?

FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.

knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health

I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.

When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question

ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust

SCIENTIST: I’m listening

ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant

What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?

Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.

I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.

The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate

Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…

Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR

Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.

I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.

“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”

– inventor of the sauna

The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.

I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill

Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids

If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science

Email: Would you like to have some fun?

Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*

carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full.

i want the dreams to chase me for once

*in bed*

me: finally sweet sweet sleep

brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg

I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon

Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe