she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
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[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.