Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
She died doing what she loved best, making toast in the bathtub.
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RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Here’s the thing about the paleo diet. If cavemen could have eaten donuts they would have.
him: you should really take something for your kleptomania
me: ok *steals the tv*
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.