If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
She died doing what she loved best, making toast in the bathtub.
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I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
*slaps the shit out of a fish with a slightly larger, more confused fish*
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
[First day as a beaver]
If I’m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.
me: wanna see my cat’s shed?
friend: lots of cats shed. why would–
[my cat enters wearing a tool belt]
cat: show him the gazebo, too
R.I.P boiling water, you will be mist.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.