@QueefTornado

She died doing what she loved best, making toast in the bathtub.

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@Tmoney68

Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.

@Chumpstring

[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out

@SortaBad

The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners

@dubstep4dads

Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible

Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo

@bornmiserable

“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean

@Home_Halfway

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

@ehchino

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

@sammyrhodes

Here’s the thing about the paleo diet. If cavemen could have eaten donuts they would have.

@girlnarly

him: you should really take something for your kleptomania
me: ok *steals the tv*

@Adar79Angie

When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.