Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
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The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
when you don’t want to be too vague
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Waiting for the Charmin
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
The real reason evolution started..😂
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.