@QueefTornado

She died doing what she loved best, making toast in the bathtub.

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@notmythirdrodeo

If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.

@JosesLovesYou

I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet

@ibid78

*slaps the shit out of a fish with a slightly larger, more confused fish*

@thedadvocate01

People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:

Samwise’s Lord of the Wings

Tyler Durden’s Chowder House

Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)

Short Round’s Tempura of Doom

Hannibal’s

@LoneWolfStories

If I’m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.

@gojarbe

me: wanna see my cat’s shed?
friend: lots of cats shed. why would–
[my cat enters wearing a tool belt]
cat: show him the gazebo, too

@wildvulture

There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.