she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
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Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
on da cob, we all corn
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes