she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
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ah yes….my favourite videogame
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon