Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from

When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.

Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.

*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.

*pronounces surface like Versace*

Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.

The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

Live, Laugh, Love

Leer, Lunge, Lactate

Do things that start with L

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

Gonna stop calling it a mammogram and start referring to it as Squishmallows.

In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.

Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake

I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…

I have a black belt in leather

Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.

48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.

Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice

Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*

Him: oh yeah

[my place]

Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!

If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second

My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.

I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that

my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that

When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.