Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need to sieze this.

*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*

This contest is hard

I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter

a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath

I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.

dogs can find happiness so easily

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

Him: You’re sexy as hell.

Her: I’m an atheist.

Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.

Her: Awwwww, thank you.

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing

Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:

Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings

Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?

*points to dead cactus*

When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.

He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”

Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.

God: you’re a garter snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek?

God: no you’re a snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek!

God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.

Garter Snake:

God:

Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?

Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people

Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting

This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?

Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.

Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.

I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.

Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.

Maybe they can carry me home.

[doctor presses play]

couple: maybe a different donor

If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!

Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?