Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.

Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal

Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”

Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.

You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.

My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale

My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts

Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.

Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh

I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.

Ironic

No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.

KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.

Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.

As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”

Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!

Date: 🙂

Fig: 🙁

Prune: bro, lol

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.

I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.

[loud fighting downstairs]

Me: What’s this about?

10-year-old: Nothing.

Me: You have to be fighting over something.

10: We really don’t.

I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant