Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?

I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.

Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.

Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.

The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.

[being haunted]

Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*

Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that

Me:

Ghost:

Me: you know what being haunted is fine

Wasn’t this a cartoon.

repaired

god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys

god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

Breaking news:

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?

After 35, your body ages in dog years

The urge to throw a coconut at someone.

The absolute effort that went into this omg

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

*at confessional

Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’

Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…

My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?

My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”

I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪

I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me

Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.