She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
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Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.