Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present

Friend: Wanna go out tonight?

Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.

I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.

*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*

i lost 4 lbs, nice

*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*

the punishment does not fit the crime

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.

everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are

One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.

(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not

i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.

Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.

Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)

broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting

6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken

😳

This device could predict incoming phone calls.

Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:

Please stop.

Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.

Love,
M

Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.

Me when I’m ovulating

GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.

“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”

GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.

I bought my wife a fridge for Christmas.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting

Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.

To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.

My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison

me: what makes you angry

pirate: when someone steals my p

Staying with my parents, pt. 17:

Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.

Mom: …

Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?

Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.

“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!

Hobbies Include:

Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.