Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

*takes everything personally

Everyone: hey, give me that back!

If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer

Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.

A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.

Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.

Wife:

[Christmas shopping]

me: I’m looking for a toy for my son

clerk: how old?

me: something new please

7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.

Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.

Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’

Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?

Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”

Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.

I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.

*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*

At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense

Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”

…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.