Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.

Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it

Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages

Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist

Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”

M: Did NOT see that coming

this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W

Them: Are you Jewish?

Me: Yup.

Them: And you’re from Toronto?

Me: Yup.

Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.

Me: Not every Jew knows each other.

Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?

Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh

“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag

BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.

DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.

LANA: Guys, can we play different game?

February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*

I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.

VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!

Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”

If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.

Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]

hi, I would like to make a return

If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer

[runs out of toilet paper]

Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”

I’m gonna need a lot more than that.

If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up

It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!

Me: Sounds great, Dear.

Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”

Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-

Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate

Daniel: sanding the deck was-

Miyagi: karate

Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-

Miyagi: anyway let’s move on

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies