She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.![]()
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doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
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I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Incredible customer service.
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I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby