Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!

Jealousy is a horrible green monster.

Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.

🙁

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”

Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose

Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.

Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.

I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.

… And while you’re down there…

Maybe she’s losing it.

Maybe it’s quarantine.

I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.

My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies

*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*

jesus, what did this guy do

her: that lion is charging

me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add

her: ok it has my leg, now what

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It

It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

*in hell*

Devil: so what are you here for

Them: I invented ice breaker activities

Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.

This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?

Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.

I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd