she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
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A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Cashiers are always checking me out
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!