Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit

Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit

Her: Please be on your best behavior.

Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.

*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*

ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth

Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir

PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?

ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’

*priest slowly backs away*

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

I’ve just had to let my trousers out.

They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.

I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.

Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand

A friend sent me this.

*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation

Her: I’m leaving you.

Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?

Her: Yes.

Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

Operator: what’s your emergency

Me: my fridge fell on me

Operator: is anything broken

Me: some eggs maybe

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.

“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”

-Ground hogs

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey

her: what?

me: what?

In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother

FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always

CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.

In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.

imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day

[office]

DAVE: We’re having a baby

SUE: Congratulations!

ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?

Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.

Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.

i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time

ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day

FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?

ME: no, I just had the one

cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you