She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
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Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?
me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
The Book. The Movie.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*