Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.

me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk

[IKEA-themed restaurant]

Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?

What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys

You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.

I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.

Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull

“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything

*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?

If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?

Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.

Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns

Me: how was school?

My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.

I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking

Just ordered me some pizza!

I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?

MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?

MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?

ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—

Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.

Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?

Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*

Waiter: pumpkin pie?

Me: ok, …. darling

I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.

mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?

I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: *throwing up blood*

Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?