Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas

Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.

I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.

[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]

Waiter: “what can I get u?”

“do u have any eucalyptus?”

*restaurant goes quiet*

Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.

At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.

A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.

I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.

They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.

[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]

Guy1: What should we call it?

Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?

Guy1: Nah..

Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?

Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!

I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…

I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

How did we decide to go with cockpit?

MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.

When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.

The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.

Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!

The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.

A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.

They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple

Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.

There are two kinds of people here

1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.

2. Liars

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

[restaurant]

RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*

ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?

DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone