She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
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You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
more water
Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.