She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
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For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.