She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo