She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
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I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her