She got me a heart-shaped pizza made with cauliflower crust, talk about mixed messaging.

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I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.


Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars


I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.


I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.


If your bf/gf is mad at you put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super mad!” If they laugh marry them.


Stop with the filters already – I just had to zoom in to see if you had a nose.


I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.


They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.