@UnFitz

She got me a heart-shaped pizza made with cauliflower crust, talk about mixed messaging.

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@GiggleQueen2018

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.

@Up2Long

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

@Girl15Gone

I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.

@ObscureGent

I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.

@goodballs

If your bf/gf is mad at you put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super mad!” If they laugh marry them.

@yourperson22

Stop with the filters already – I just had to zoom in to see if you had a nose.

@RodLacroix

I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.

@TheCatWhisprer

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.