My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
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guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.