She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
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Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
pls suprot
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.