Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.

She’s my Japaniece..

Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.

If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.

ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park

Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.

I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.

nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right

me: totally

nintendo: and you hate working a job

me: so much

nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?

me: will it be cute

nintendo: so cute

me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours

Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.

It tastes good and that’s all that matters.

will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days

Him: We have made it completely idiot proof

Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that

[hospital burn unit]

doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor

me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many

My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*

My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.

*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL

*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL

*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!

– Me pulling up Blinds

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

8 and I just standing there existing

3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat

[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too

How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1

[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there

*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.

Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count

there’s music for literally every activity

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank

Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?

someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.

My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.

A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.