She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
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me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.