Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.

someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me

Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*

As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.

Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you

I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.

Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.

*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.

[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.

When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.

I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.

The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest

How to ruin your kids day:

1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock

I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.

When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.

JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*

Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.

Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.

Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.

Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force

Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess

Droid: What about the other baby?

Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere

“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!