She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
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Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Forever 21… pounds overweight
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.