Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.

DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-

MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?

DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.

*entering first day of prison*

“Are you guys mad at me?”

Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”

Love you Dad

Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.

Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.

Roadside Assistance: how can i help you

Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire

Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder

I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.

I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.

My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle

Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.

It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.

The Eggorcist

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s

The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 🍩

Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.

the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen

I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?

Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British

My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun

“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.

if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.