She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
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Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point