She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
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WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Stop.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Calm down ma’am, the only other people that want your man is local Law Enforcement.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
that de-escalated quickly
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.