she has a point
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[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
“Sheer Arrogance”
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Is anyone gonna tell them?
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
All excellent questions
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long