she has a point
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My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
My god she’s good.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.