she has a point
You Might Also Like
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?
No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
boat question
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it