she has a smile full of sesame seeds
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1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
i hope my email finds you on fire
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Does beer think about me too?
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.