she has a smile full of sesame seeds
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Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Did my cat write this
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Denise please return my vape pen
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?