She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
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I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Bit chilly again tonight.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.