She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
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Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Banking tips
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.