She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
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My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Happy Star Wars day!
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
*bites zombie*
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
A completely valid reaction tbh
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
My dad’s son is like a brother to me.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
🚲+physics = winner
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago