She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
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[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.