She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
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Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
selena gomez
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.