Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”

It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.

5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.

dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.

When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.

Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.

Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)

Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.

In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”

My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?

Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.

It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*

just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.

The French word for sex is croissant.

I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.

Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

[after the flood]

noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends

god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow

noah: that doesn’t really help

god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.

My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.

Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word

Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.

It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.

No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.

Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.

I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.