SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
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[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost
I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured