She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
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Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
How software testing works
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.