She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
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Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly