She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
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Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me