Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:

Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business

*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want

Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago

Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille

Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.

Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain

Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL

Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.

not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh

YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor

I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.

Super glue dry times:

Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant

Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.

My life is spiraling out of control.

When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants

found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time

fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it

– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_

– MILKMAN!!

– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”

Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work

Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.

You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.

ME: people only use 10% of their brains

FRIEND: that’s an urban legend

ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm

It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.

Him: You’re sexy as hell.

Her: I’m an atheist.

Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.

Her: Awwwww, thank you.