She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
You Might Also Like
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Oops I deleted….
Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
I love wikipedia
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on