She: I like Cats
He:
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[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years