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‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
A double negative is a big no-no.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Word!
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice