She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
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There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
When does CPR become necrophilia?
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Finally!
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it