Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
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I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.