she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
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“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
saw this in a dream
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?