she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
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Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
what the
