she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
You Might Also Like
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Mad Max: Furry Road
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?