she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
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As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Dance like like you’re not aware of the numerous cameras watching your every move.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death