“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
You Might Also Like
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
can’t catch a break
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.