“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
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maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Well, shit
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Shopping for a toaster yesterday I came across this review.
“Easy to use instructions.”
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.