“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
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Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Moms. The original autocorrect.