“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
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One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
💻🤡
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
LOL
My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
[Me watching football on TV]
Oh man this reminds me of high school
Her: you played football in high school?
Me: no, I watched TV
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?