She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
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I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs