She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
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Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set