Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-

MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?

DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.

Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.

Me: I’m going to poop

Dog: Great I’m coming with you

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.

The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”

It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.

Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.

Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY

In Canada they just call them geese

[on phone]

Of course I trust you, babe. Always.

*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*

Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.

For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.

Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?

My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.

My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”

My niece: ok grammar

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.

I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.

Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Jennifer? Most people love it.

Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.

You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture