Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.

Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.

I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.

I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.

Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.

[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*

If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.

Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again

The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding

Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻‍♂️

“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”

She wasn’t like other girls.

She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.

And prom was in one week…

If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!

[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home

Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.

Me: how much for the seal Dracula

Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.

As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.

My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton

Felony is a beautiful name for a girl

My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”

He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”

Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”

I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.

It’s either five or nothing bro

– if wet wipes could talk

Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.